(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
You Might Also Like
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.