(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for![]()
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Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
[Annual Review]
Boss: how do you think you performed this year?
Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.
Boss: you’re fired.
Me: This is such an accrual profession.
BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.
Oh wait I made them too.
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
“Huh? What?”
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
Still laughing at this stupid meme
![]()
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her