You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
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Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.
Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it