I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
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I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?
techician: sure..I’ll take a look
[later, ]
technician: it’s not too bad..
me: thank god..what is it?
technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders
me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
Love it! 👍😂
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
#SaturdayBears
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans