God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is
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*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
Nobody:
My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband
Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?
Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis
Priest: that’s not really-
Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”
Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
*At animal group therapy*
Moderator: introduce yourselves please
Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …
Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…
Sperm whale: do we have to do this?
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.