Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
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[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!
[at my funeral]
So young, how did he die?
He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
This trial is so absurd 😭
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.