How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
You Might Also Like
9: Can I sleep with you?
Me: Why?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
M: Who?
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
Google reviews are always so mixed..
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
Has there ever been a more American story?
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*