I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
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I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.