Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
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*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!
Had an epiphany today.
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”
Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”
Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”