“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
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God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
Strange things: the prequel
Stranger things
2 Stranger 2 Things
Strangest Threengs
Strangfour th4ngs
5tranger Thing5
Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?