her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
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Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420
ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.
I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick