I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
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Meow?
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
These are too funny not to post 😂
*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property
Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
I got high and hid snacks from myself, this is the worst scavenger hunt ever
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
Love is always patient and kind.
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
Cat.