My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
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If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
Life is a suicide mission.
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
[Later]
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt
heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
*watching The Revenant*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.