God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
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[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
I know karate and tons of other words.
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
Ugh but profoundly
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
*gives you a knife
*points to the toaster
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.