I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
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9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
No YOUR a grammar nazi!
Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
Cow it started Cow it’s going
Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
*decorating the tree*
6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
Passwords are more important than ever.
BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
[outside of bank]
Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!
Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!
Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.
5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?
Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.
Friend: Sounds awful.
Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.
Friend:
Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.