ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
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[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
did… did they arrest the mountain lions