Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
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My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps
Okay me first
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
Good dog. ❤️
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”