Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats
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Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.
For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.