I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
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This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there
*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece
ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust
SCIENTIST: I’m listening
ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.