For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
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if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.
WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
obsessed w/ the woman in line telling her life story. she hasn’t seen her daughter (annie) or grandkids in 3yrs bc they’re in australia. annie met her hubby in hawaii while surfing. she’s had trouble w/ the neighbors lately but that’s annie, she’ll find it wherever she goes
Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed