My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
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My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
the Monday after daylight savings
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids