I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
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Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
Oceanography is all about current events
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
there’s probably a fee though
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
*first day as a pilot*
Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo
If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.
(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.