I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
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If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.
today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie
CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother
FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always
CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
At my elementary “graduation” my teacher was retiring, and the teacher giving the speech kept saying the event was about her, which was odd. But now my family has a running joke with every graduation, award, wedding etc where we go “Congrats, but really this is about Ms.—–“
Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.