Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
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My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
a lot to unpack here
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.
THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
“i miss shittin on people”
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
He’s cranky this morning
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.
Me: Fake?
I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!
*feels the wind in my toe hair
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”