@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂
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Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
fair
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning