The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
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My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
Saturday
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
Reasons I’m not married:
– Am focusing on my karate career
– Wedding could clash with karate class
– Honeymoon might make me miss karate training
– All the lovemaking could sap my energy ahead of karate class
– Wife may be in cahoots with my rivals to distract me from karate
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
I want this so bad
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate