Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
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This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
1
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90Me: Nailed it.
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber
Horrifying if literal: foot locker