I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.
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I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, Iâm buying rice and beans because Iâm Mexican.
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
âHello, my little friend.â
âUm, hi.â
âSee that lady holding the camera?â
âYeah?â
âShe leaves for work in an hour.â
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
Donât talk to me until Iâve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship
PIRATE: …Aye
ME: đ
P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya
Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.
Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.
Then I know.
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
âWeâre promoting you to Anchorâ
Reporters: đ
Sailors: đ
My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit âcriss cross pizza sauceâ and I just want to know when they changed it from âapplesauce”.
*thinks my friend Lizâs full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
When I can’t barge, I careen.
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.