My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.
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So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.
Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.
And they’re almost the same age.
good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here
bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it
good cop: god he is so bad at everything
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.