Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
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Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.
I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.
Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
God I hate kids.
And people.
And animals.
And sardines.
And stuff that’s alive.
And stuff that’s dead.
I hate stuff.
I like cheese.
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
Oh the world we live in…
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.