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I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
Holy crap this is wonderful
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
Optional boss fight.
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!
Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.