Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
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My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
Lmfaoooooo
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?
“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.