This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
You Might Also Like
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop
The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree
*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.