Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
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Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.