Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
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kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
What’s the most unhinged reply you’ve gotten on here because once I retweeted someone who said garbage dumps should have viewing windows for kids to watch and someone said that was dangerous because the kids might see discarded body parts serial killers threw away in the trash
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
who did the taste test?
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?
Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.
Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.
Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
We are the people our parents warned us about.
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers