Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
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Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.