I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
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I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
Signs your wife is cheating:
1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦♂️🤷♂️
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
Best spoiler warning ever
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”