Signs your wife is cheating:
1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend
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[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”
LG: Plastic?
Samsung: Metal?
iPhone 8: What about Glass?
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
google is bad now but thats ok. i finished using search engines in 2017. looked everything up already
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.