Signs your wife is cheating:
1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend
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A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”
15: “ya”
Me: “What colour’d you use?”
15: “I used orange.”
Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”
– mac n cheese has it’s own language.
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
Lmfao
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids
The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.