Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad
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This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
I’m not average. I’m mean.
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs