Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦♂️🤷♂️
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Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”
“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?
mom: i ate it
kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that
mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you
kid: oh god no i-
mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand
HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty][Jesus and God hi-5]
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce