BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
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I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up