If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
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The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”
autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
Love is in the air fryer.
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”