I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
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A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*
Kids: We want a kitten!
Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.
Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!
I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?