Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
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PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
I’d … I’d rather not.
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
“A little help here, Danny?”
Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’