Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”

Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…

I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky

You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities

Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts

You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.

Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless

Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.

My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.

Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.

– a short history of responsibility

[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”

this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great

WebMD: you have all the diseases

Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them

My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾‍♀️🙆🏾‍♀️

Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”

Me: I’m a solid eight

Friend: Wow. Out of ten?

Me: What lol god no

Name this drama.

Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack

Jack: 🥶

Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now

This is Chance. He’s just been entrusted with his first strawberry. Very honored. Will take care of it forever. 12/10

You make me want to be a better home and garden.

A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order

My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.

“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*

Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely af

Calling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck

Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.

me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof

friend: oof

me: pretty much

Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible

My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.

I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.

“I should probably start filling this thing out.”

-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.

The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.

[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship