bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
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Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card
This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
My dentist told me I needed to cut back on the red wine and coffee, so I told her she should cut back on the Botox and Aqua Net. Anyway, that’s why my mouth is bleeding in 14 different places now.
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee