Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
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This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: That’s crazy
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
Saying “let me show you how it’s done”
– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killerSaying “this is how we do it”
– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping