I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
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Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.
My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses
Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.
Job interview…
HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768