Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.

[road trip]

DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.

*opens present

HER: What is this?

ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.

HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?

Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas

Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami

genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u

me: random rule but ok

genie: seriously don’t even try

me: ok i won’t

genie:

me:

genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work

How to open new toy:

1. Cut tape with machete.

2. Take shot.

3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.

4. Take 3 shots.

5. Watch child play with box.

Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.

Him: Are you mad?

Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing

Her: No, I’m fine, why?

it’s amazing how alcohol feels great and also has zero negative longterm side effects

[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me

The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing

($800 for an iphone)

oh no problem here you go

(99 cents for an app)

HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW

I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”

Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]

Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing

Judge [teary]: Just wonderful

[God inventing snakes]

What about a scarf that could kill you?

Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.

I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.

My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.

Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…

born to say “are you fucking stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”

[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has

No matter how many times I read this, it always makes me happy.

[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL

We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.

Or at least I am.

The Blob: Bakery Beginning!

I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.

You know what else is crazy?

*googles synonyms for crazy*

Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air

Michael Cera:

Sensor: *bursts into flames*