I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
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Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
Me: You gotta get dressed, kiddo, we’re leaving soon.
7yo:
Me: Get dressed, please.
7yo:
Me: Please get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Hurry up and get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Put your clothes on.
7yo:
Me: We have to leave in 3 minutes!
7yo:
Me: GET DRESSED RIGHT NOW!!!!!
7yo: Ok! Don’t yell at me!
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
You had me at “define legal”.
*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black