Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
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Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
At McDonalds
Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them
Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
[interview]
Any questions?
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter
Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.