When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
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My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
Modern Way to Name Babies:
1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settleCongratulations on your child McKimberlynn.
[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
Doug is just Canadian for dog
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
[at the gym]
Friend: This sauna is way too hot!
Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES